i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
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Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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