Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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