my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
