i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
