I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
