I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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