What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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