how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
