never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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