Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
