I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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