you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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