I just threw up on my dentist
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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