We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My dick has a subreddit
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
