I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
