highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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