I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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