New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
