that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
