My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
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after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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