I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
