Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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