3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
