I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
