new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize