Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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