I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we're making bets on your personal life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
