im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
the raccoons are back...
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