We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
