I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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