Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
