I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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