I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's get the cat blown out
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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