One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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