Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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