just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
