I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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