god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
