My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
FUCK WHALES
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