I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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