She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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