he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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