I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize