My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, beer. Big fan.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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