I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
