You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
