Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
