I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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