I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
soo... how was my night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
