I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I touched a dick in church today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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