Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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