My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
