you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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